How to be public as a writer (and feel safe in the process)
Navigating authenticity and human connection, while prioritizing your safety and mental health
This month I have written all about how to craft your creative identity, and be public as a writer or creator. This kicked off my fall curriculum, where we are focusing on feeling good about sharing your writing and engaging with readers. So far, we have covered identifying the narratives that define you as a writer, how to write your mission statement or short bio, and the art of great headshots or profile photos for writers & creators. Today we need to address something critically important: your sense of safety in being public.
What I share here is just a starting point, I don’t cover all possible concerns, and only you can determine your own priorities around safety, boundaries, and preserving physical and mental health. I think about this stuff all the time, and infuse this into the work I do with writers. Of course, I want to ensure it is a central part of our conversations this month around your creative identity as a writer or creator. I’m going to share some advice below, but strongly encourage you to seek out your own resources as you explore this for yourself.
Besides “I love you,” the most frequent thing I remember my father saying was “Be aware of your surroundings.” He must have said that to me thousands of times in my life. He knew that he couldn’t keep me away from places or situations that may turn unexpectedly dangerous, so he wanted me to develop situational awareness. Doing so would increase the chances that I would have more time to make good decisions around safety by being alerted to dangers as early as possible. That is something I consider for writers and creators as they choose to be public online. It can be scary to step out of the shadows as a writer hoping to engage with readers.
One of my biggest core beliefs is that your voice is unique, and that the world is a better place if you share your voice through your writing, art, or other ways. That is why I do the work I do, encouraging writers to share their work, and to view that as a craft. In order to do that, you need to feel safe. Let’s dig in…
The Many Ways You Must Feel Safe
You must feel safety in many ways that it means to be public as a writer or creator, including:
Sharing any personal details about yourself, such as your name, photo, and basic details about who you are and where you exist in the world. It could include where you work, or the makeup of your family, where you are from, your background, etc.
Of course, this can extend to what you share — whether that is a social media update, newsletter, video, or so much else. This includes how you show up — the difference between a written post vs seeing you talk in a video.
Providing access for people to communicate with you, which may include their ability to follow or subscribe to your updates, email or direct message access, where you show up in-person (for events, etc), and so much else.
This sense of safety can be subtle: wanting to feel accepted, validated, and received with the intention in which you share. But it can also be stark: safety from being attacked, ostracized, misrepresented, stolen from, or canceled.
Your concerns around safety may differ from someone else, which is why it is good to consider what it means to you, and how to take simple actions to protect yourself.
Be Clear About Your Boundaries
You — and only you — get to determine what is public and what is kept private. That means that you can ignore trends, advice, and “best practices.” This works both ways, like when you don’t feel like sharing something that everyone else encourages you to share. On the flip side though, you may choose to share something that everyone else warns you against sharing. Here are two simple examples illustrating both:
The writer who chooses not to share photos from a big literary event where they took a selfie with a famous author. The writer wanted to keep it as a personal memory and not see the comments of friends and colleagues around it or feel judged by it. Maybe the author is controversial in some way and they didn’t want to risk blowback from those who see the photos. Her friends can’t believe she isn’t sharing photos of the experience online, they think it would be a great way to promote her own books.
The writer who chooses to share photos of their kids, their names, and even where they go to school, plus the path they walk to get there. A friend warned her otherwise, but she is doing it because this feels authentic to her.
Who is wrong in these situations? No one. Choose the boundaries that make sense to you. If those boundaries change over time, that is fine too!
It’s okay to feel that you aren’t 100% sure what your boundaries are when it comes to Substack, Instagram, appearing at a literary festival, or some other unfamiliar situation. I simply encourage you to experiment where needed, make decisions that feel right to you at the time, and communicate them clearly to others when necessary.
Many people instinctively set their boundaries as far back as possible when being public as a writer, justifying: “I will publish my book and share about my book, but nothing else. Readers don’t care about me, I don’t want to waste my life sharing photos of my lunch, and my private life is PRIVATE.”
Is that a fine decision? Sure. But I encourage you not to build a thick wall around your public identity as the easiest way of avoiding effort and judgement. Because doing so would mean missing the opportunity to truly connect with readers.
I work with writers and creators because their work is inherently about taking a risk: to create something no one knew they wanted, and share even though it may flop. But when you share aspects of the human side of you — what you create and why — you may find that people who had previous felt distant (and even a bit scary) suddenly find connection with you and your writing.
In this process, you may have to discern between what a sense of safety — true physical or psychological protection — and fear of judgement, where one is simply uncomfortable with the prospect of being seen because they are unsure of what people will think or say. I find that most people have some sort of anxiety around social interactions — this is totally normal. No one wants to be called out, told we are mistaken, or that we don’t belong. But sometimes our fears around these things are bigger than the possibility of them really happening.
You can walk around all day with your head down, not looking anyone in the eye as a way of protecting yourself from engagement and interaction. I remember my dad taking me to his office in New York City in the late 1970s and early 1980s when the city was considered dangerous. He would tell me before we got off of the bus:“Don’t look anyone in the eye.” I suppose he felt it may give people an invitation to engage with me, and that this may not have a desirable outcome.
But what if you looked up a bit, looked others in the eye, engaged with them, and were open to the possibility of connection? Be clear about what you will share and what you won’t share. And don’t be afraid to give yourself permission to have fun and explore.
Leave Room for Social Connection
In determining how you are public as a writer, don’t forget to leave room for the possibility of meaningful connections with readers and other writers.
It’s worth noting that one way to feel safe is to be a part of a community. To have others that know you, and you know them. Who you can call on when you need advice. Who will support you and your work. This kind of community and professional relationships can increase your safety.
Sometimes it makes sense to treat your life as if you are an island, cut off from the world. But other times, survival depends on meaningful connections to others. As you consider if you are public, and how you are public, don’t just focus on the channels and tools — consider the actual people you want to connect with. What are meaningful (and safe) ways that others can engage with you that helps deliver the experience you want as a writer engaged in a thriving literary community?
I often say that one’s platform as a writer is about communication and trust. That applies here in how you forge new connections and nurture those you already have. So don’t forget to consider the possibility of the good things that may happen as you share your writing with the world.
Ask Others
If you are unsure about what to do, or what not to do, ask those who are also navigating these issues. If you are unsure about what to share on a specific social network, or what the risks are, or where to set your boundaries, email or talk to several people who regularly share there. Be honest with your questions. You may find these people to be incredible resources of advice.
Don’t just assume others have clear easy-to-follow boundaries — ask about the reality of how they manage this. Especially if you have a specific concern or set of circumstances.
When I interviewed writer and artist
back in 2018, she said this about social media: “Social media is responsible for making me that accessible to the world. I’m realizing that I’m going to have to have the limits and boundaries if I’m going to keep making the work.” When I asked about comparisonitis — comparing one’s own work and success to that of others seen online — she said this: “It is an absolute daily struggle… You have to push it aside and make the work you want to make.”Don’t assume other writers and creators have found this perfect balance for how they are public.
Does Meera still share online? Yes, and she has a wonderful Substack where she shares moments from her week that she wants to remember. Again and again over the years, she has made adjustments to what being public means for her.
You Have Permission…
And just in case anyone needs to hear this:
You have permission to not follow someone back.
You have permission to not respond to a direct message.
You have permission to unfollow anyone you like.
You have permission to do whatever makes you feel comfortable and safe.
As I said at the start of this post, seek out the resources that resonate with what you need to feel safe. This post is, at best, a mere starting point. There are so many more issues and contexts one can explore here. I will simply say: I love when people create, and while that has an inherent risk, I want you to feel safe when you share.
Please let me know in the comments: what decisions have you made to help ensure you feel a sense of safety in how you share?
If you want to catch up on the exclusive series I have been posting, as well as the engagement with me and my community in my private Chat, please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Join us here:
As always, thank you for being here with me.
-Dan
Kids of the Week: The little fella didn’t feel 100% last weekend and spent the day in his room. The goal was for him to rest, but he had other plans. The very first thing he asked for was his typewriter. Below is a snapshot of some of what he created that day. This is what his room looked like by the end of the day:
Cotton candy:
And, of course, a sign advertising it:
A surprisingly detailed homework sheet he made from scratch, largely using his typewriter:
Mom of the Week: Tiger is often with her, and she tends to him throughout the day:
As a writer and teacher of memoir and personal essay, I've always felt it's important to be accessible and publicly present as myself. This does not, however, apply to my children. They feature in my writing, yes, but I never divulge their names, nor post pictures, particularly not when they were young. My husband does appear, occasionally, but I always get his permission.
Dan! I've been thinking of you so often lately -- what a surprise to see myself mentioned in today's letter. Must be serendipity. :]