My mom and Muhammad Ali
How my mom taught me a powerful skill that helps writers reach their readers
My mom turns 79 today, so I want to share a story that illustrates a valuable skill that she taught me. It’s a skill that I still teach to writers every week, and it is central to your ability to effectively share your writing with readers. If you are someone who feels your books, essays, newsletters, stories and ideas should matter to readers, then this post is for you. Oh, and please say ‘Happy birthday, Barbara!’ to my mom in the comments.
What is this skill that I speak of? It’s not some special button on Amazon, the secret to social media ads, or how to go viral on Substack. It’s this:
How to ask.
Ask for what? For anything. For attention. For someone to buy your book. To attend an event. To review your book. To be there for you when you need them the most. Learn this skill to ask for the stuff that makes our lives worth living: connection, validation, and meaningful experiences that ties us to each other.
So I would like to start with an example of asking, then dig into practical tips and advice for how you can do this for yourself.
In the 1980s, my family had a small baseball card business. On the weekends we set up a table at card shows to buy and sell cards with collectors. At a show in Manhattan, one of the people signing autographs was Muhammad Ali. My mother paid for the tickets for us to meet him and waited in line with my brother and I. I was maybe 9 years old, and my brother was around 13. Here is my family behind our table at a show (I’m on the right):
When we met Ali, he signed autographs for us and shook our hands. I was in total awe. He was gracious and fully present.
But then, my mom did something unexpected. She asked, “Can I take a photo of you with my boys?”
This was more than two decades before selfies were a thing, and in an era where conventions didn’t offer photos with the celebrity guests. Ali said that there was a long line of people he didn’t want to keep waiting, but he would see what he could do later on.
Sure enough, a couple of hours later, we heard an announcement over the PA system: “Would the woman who wanted to have her kids’ photos taken with Muhammad Ali please come to the front? He has to leave now.”
They took us into an empty corridor in a random corner of the hotel, and we began to pose to take a photo side-by-side, facing the camera. But then Muhammad stopped and said, “Wait a minute.” He turned to me and pretended to throw a punch as a pose for the photo. Here it is:
Okay, that is a (slightly) edited version of the original, which had my brother in the background, see below left. Plus he got his own photo with Ali:
My mom did the unexpected in that moment. She took a risk to ask for something special and the results created one of the best moments of my life.
Reminder to join me for a 3-week workshop to create your Clarity Cards! Just become a paid subscriber, and you are in! Look at some of the amazing writers and creators who have already signed up:
Join us here:
When I met Brené Brown, I asked for a selfie and she was quick to agree:
We talked about the work I do with writers and after I walked away, she yelled and called me back over. “You are like a midwife for writers,” she said. It was a generous thing for her say, and a description I could never use because of my profound respect for the work that midwives do.
Brené didn’t have to call me back over — there was a long line of people waiting to meet her. Muhammed didn’t have to spend time taking a photo with me and my brother after signing hundreds of autographs. But they chose to do this, just as my mom chose to ask.
So much of marketing is not about doing the expected — the same practices as everyone else — but about doing the unexpected. I’m not talking about shock and surprise tactics, but rather, efforts that are authentic and meaningful.
Where might the skill of outreach and simply asking come in handy for a writer? Some ideas:
Emailing another author who writers in your genre to just say ‘thank you’ and perhaps establish a connection.
Asking for a book blurb.
Asking an author to be a part of a virtual or in-person book event with you.
Asking readers to subscribe to your newsletter.
Querying an agent or publisher.
Pitching yourself as a guest on a podcast.
So many other aspects of what it means to be public, share your work, and develop a platform around your writing.
Too many authors wait to do these things, often until just before book launch. They wait for what they perceive to be a “perfect” time ask. But by then, they have often waited too long to really develop the connections they need.
As I considered my mom and Muhammad Ali, I remembered the many ways that my parents taught me to focus on outreach, connection, and relationships as being the core of what it means to share one’s work and find success.
My mom sold Tupperware in the mid-1970s
My mom sold Avon in the late 1970s to early 1980s
My parents had a stamp business in the 1970s
My family had a baseball card business in the 1980s and 1990s
My mom was a realtor in the 1980s and 1990s
It’s funny to consider how much of my childhood was spent behind a table at a show, watching my parents prepare orders, and joining my mom and/or dad on visits with customers and colleagues.
Infused in every part of this was how they established a sense of clear communication and trust with the other person. My parents pursued these activities because they truly enjoyed them. And that meant that everything was more fulfilling when you cared about the people you were engaging with. I was able to observe thousands of asks during this time. My parents making deals, and ensuring that both they and their customers felt it was a fair trade.
My family developed friendships that lasted years and years with customers. I can still see their faces and hear their voices — the specific customers I would expect to see at different shows we went to year after year.
These were businesses built on connections between people, and their shared appreciations for the product they were there for. I’m actually getting emotional as I write this, which means there is a strong likelihood of you seeing an upcoming post of me titled, “What Authors Can Learn About Book Launches from Selling Avon in the 1970s.”
🙂
I would imagine that in your history, you have your own version of this. Perhaps not inside businesses that your parents ran, but with someone you knew growing up who seemed to get stuff done because they knew about the value of how to engage with other people.
While that isn’t why a lot of people start writing, I do think it is a critical part of how writing gets shared, and how readers engage. With the examples above, my parents weren’t selling random goods just to make a profit. They really liked what they sold and understood how these things helped people. Theirs were businesses built on joy, appreciation, and connection.
How can you effectively ask other people for things that support your writing? Some tips:
Be clear. Too many people try to make the ask without ever actually asking. That usually leads to confusion and frustration.
Focus on one ask at a time, when possible.
Don’t hide the ask — put it up front. In other words, don’t write a 7 paragraph email, just hiding an ask in the middle of paragraph 6.
Understand if the ask is reasonable. Is it a small, but meaningful action? What steps would the person need to take and do they understand them?
Consider the objections the other person may have, and address them. This is not about “talking them into it,” but about empathy.
Consider how what you are asking could align to the goals/preferences of the person you are asking — how it would be something they truly want to do.
For instance, there is a difference between emailing a friend and asking:
“I was told I have to ask people to post reviews for my book on Amazon. I know it’s a pain, but I’m trying to get a hang of this author platform thing. Anything you could post would be great.”
Vs.
“You have been such a big supporter of my writing thank you. I want to ask if you could do something important: post a review of my book on Amazon? Doing so helps potential readers know if this book is for them. It means more people who will love this book may find it.”
The first one sounds like a chore, and the second is filled with purpose for both the person asking and the person being asked. Of course, asking works in both directions. You can also reach out to a writer you know and ask, “How can I help share your writing?”
You never know unless you ask. It may lead to extraordinary experiences and connections that last a lifetime.
Please let me know in the comments: do you have a story of taking a risk to ask for something that lead to a meaningful experience?
Reminder: join me for my 3-week program in July: Clarity Cards: Create More of What Matters. Just become a paid subscriber, and you are in!
Thank you for being here with me.
-Dan
Kids of the Week: giving grandma a note he made for her, filled with stick-on rhinestones:
I do have a small story about asking. I was about to get out of the service (Army), and was still attending university. I needed a civilian job to support myself. I was working weekends at a civilian hospital, where nights were done on an on call basis. I knew that the techs (I was a lab tech) did not exactly like this duty. I wrote a proposal on what duties could go on a third shift, showing that it was financially viable. I gave it to our lab manager, and I got the job.
Happy Birthday Barbara! And thanks for this reminder. I have never been good at asking for anything, even as an athlete when I was learning the importance of advocating for yourself or your teammates with coaches, sponsors, press, etc. I always remember one piece of advice from a friend when I was at a low point: “Ask! Just ask for something. If you don’t like what you got ask for something else next time.” I still think of that when I’m stuck. Thanks again for this!