How to be kind online
On the craft of communicating, connecting, and sharing
I believe that how we communicate is a craft. I devote my life to supporting writers and helping them best share their work. Sometimes I encounter a writer who expresses frustration that it feels like no one is listening, that their efforts aren’t paying off, and they are considering sharing less — quieting their voice.
Each of us has a unique voice. In sharing your voice, you are bringing joy, a respite, validation, ideas, inspiration, or connection to the lives of others.
Today I want to focus on a topic that may sound simple, but is incredibly important: how to be kind online. This has multiple purposes:
To improve communication skills.
To improve connection with others.
To improve chances that your work is seen and appreciated.
If you are a writer hoping to develop your platform, grow your audience, or prepare to launch your book, this is a huge opportunity. To not just have a strategy for connection, but to feel good about it in the process.
All this month, I’m sharing about how to connect with your ideal readers. Each Tuesday I share an exclusive video and post for my paid subscribers, and this week I focused on: How to feel good about using social media as a writer. Join me and the other paid subscribers:
How you share doesn’t have to feel icky. In fact, it can be filled with deep meaning and moments that inspire you. Let’s dig in…
Set the Tone
If you worry that social media is toxic, that norms are not what you like online, or that you don’t feel you fit in, I encourage you remember that you — and only you — set the tone for how you engage with others.
This can apply to two common situations:
How you show up.
How you react.
So often, we worry about fitting in at the expense of hiding our own unique voices, hiding our passions and perspectives. Instead, I encourage you to show up as the person you are. I’m going to use a bunch of celebrity examples in this post because they are frequently on film, and give me accessible examples that you can see and hear.
So to start, here is a 1982 interview with Fred Rogers on the David Letterman show. On his TV show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, Fred had a slow and clear demeanor, taking his time. It is always fascinating to see how he would show up to a context that is the opposite — a late night comedy show — and how he reacts to sometimes challenging questions. As always, Fred sets the tone in how he shows up, and how he reacts:
Whether it is on social media or in-person, you get to set the tone for how you engage with others, and how you communicate. Too often, we feel pressure to bend to the expectations or demeanor of others. But this is a choice you get to make.
In this process, you can infuse a sense of kindness, however you define that term. To show up in a way that feels whole, meaningful, and with the best intentions.
Truly See Others
The nature of how we see content online is that we are usually seeing just a tiny moment of what someone shares, thinks, or does. We see the tiniest sliver of who they are, and often without any additional context.
I encourage you to truly see others holistically. As a human-being that exists outside of a tiny social media update, or a 60 second video clip.
In the work I do with writers, we focus on how to connect with readers and those who celebrate books. What I find again and again is the value of keeping things simple: showing up as a human being, and starting with empathy.
Sometimes we may think it is impossible to stand out — that there are too many newsletters already, too many podcasts, too many social media updates, too many online events. Maybe you even think to yourself: “Besides, aren’t there so many other people who are more well established than I am? How can we hope to get attention for me or my writing.”
If you want to connect your creative vision to others, I encourage you to do this:
Be someone who truly sees the other person.
That’s it. If you do that, you are giving people what they dream of: for someone else to recognize us, to check in on us, to care about what we care about. So often in our daily lives, this rare.
I remember hearing an interview with Brandon Stanton, who created Humans of New York. The interviewer wanted to understand how Brandon got people to share these powerful stories with a stranger in a short conversation. This was his reply:
“It’s not the questions. I have about three or four entry questions that I use… But really, the planned questions are just springboards into a conversation. And how you get to that deep place with a person is absolute presence. It’s being 100 percent there… You’re not thinking about how this person fits into your idea of them and what you know about them. You’re 100 percent there, and you’re 100 percent listening to them, and your questions are 100 percent coming based on curiosity about what they are telling you and nothing else.”
“People just feel alone. Period… There is this appreciation of being heard that even though I don’t know this guy, this is the first person who has taken such a focused and detailed interest in my problems. And the feeling of having somebody focus so intensely not on the sports teams you like or the music you like or any of the other trivial things that we get asked on a daily basis, but these real things that you’re struggling with and maybe not even on the top of your mind but in the back of your mind that you’re not even really bringing to the surface, being heard like that is such a validating thing that that’s why people always share.”
“It really works because the people on the street that I meet are so thankful to have somebody really listen to them that in that bubble, in an hour and a half where I’m sitting with a stranger on the street, this magic happens where they’re willing to let me in to a space in their mind or their soul or whatever it is that they don’t really let other people into. And it’s that place that I think connects with so many people.”
Truly seeing others you engage with is a gift you can bring to someone’s day. Why not take that risk?
Use People’s Names
This one is so simple, yet so powerful. When addressing someone, use their name. That’s it. Whether connecting with others online or in-person, we are often in crowded situations, stealing a moment in an otherwise busy day. Adding someone’s name to a reply makes it clear that you are clearly seeing them.
I have seen this done in interviews, with the interviewee saying things such as, “Wow, that is a great question Brenda…” I try to do it when I reply to comments here on Substack, always using the person’s name when I say thank you. Which leads me to…
Add Courtesies (Like ‘Thank You’ and ‘Please’)
Maybe this is uncool. But I have made a concerted effort the past few years to say ‘thank you’ more often, and to end interactions by wishing someone a good rest of their day. I have been surprised at the results.
First, this feels really good to do. It forces me to slow down, and consider each individual as a whole person. It fills my day with mindfulness that I am truly thankful for them and this interaction.
The other thing I have noticed is that lots of people really appreciate these kind words! I’ve had so many people say how much a genuine ‘thank you’ really meant to them. This likely goes back to the earlier point at how often we don’t feel seen.
In doing so, you can also set the tone for others. In some cases, you can be more direct, like Taylor Swift in this moment encouraging security to say “please” when addressing a crowd of fans:
I don’t know what Taylor was considering in this moment, but I imagine that the security guard yelling “stay back” was trying to protect her from a crowd of fans he could barely control. But what she sees may be something completely different: people who appreciate her music, who have spent hours and hours waiting, and who may be trying to move closer because this moment truly means so much to them.
I am not encouraging you to use courtesies so that your days are filled with rote niceties that mask who we really are. Instead, I’m simply reflecting on the value of how we express to each other that we appreciate that they are here with us.
That is how I end each of my newsletters, with the phrase “Thank you for being here with me.” I know that you are busy, and I have lived long enough to have people I admire pass away. Our time here is precious, and when you spend a moment with me or my writing, that truly means the world to me. Saying ‘thank you,’ is not a hollow affectation, it is instead a deep appreciation that by reading something I wrote, a special connection is made. Genuinely: thank you.
Validate and Give People Hope
One way to get the attention of others? Consider what they care about most, and help give that experience to them. If someone has published a book, post a positive review, or rave about it on social media. If someone just started a Substack, subscribe and post about how great it is.
This not only validates their work, but it gives them a sense of hope. A reminder that they aren’t sharing into a void, and that their unique voice does matter.
Be a Bright Spot in Someone’s Day
You can also do this in how you share, becoming a bright spot in someone’s day. One example is the frequent photos and haiku and
shares in her feeds:While this can sometimes be situational, you can also create a routine to reach out to others and bring a moment of joy. Check in on friends. Reach out randomly and ask people how they are doing. Post something meant to make someone smile.
When Paul Reubens passed away, I began hearing celebrities talk about how seriously he took birthdays, filling their phones with personal messages and frequent smiles throughout the entire day. I mean, imagine receiving this video on your birthday from a friend:
This is a Craft: Focus on 10% Better
How you communicate and show kindness is a craft. If any of this resonates with you, I would encourage you to focus on tiny improvements. I know you are busy and your days are filled with loads of serious responsibilities. As you try to connect with readers and those who inspire you, look for tiny improvements. How to communicate 10% better.
Beyond this just making our days brighter, this work also gives people a way in to who you are, and what you write. These simple generosities do take effort, and that’s okay. The energy you give often comes back to you in appreciation from others.
Delight People with Generosity
I want to share two examples of how generosity can truly make someone’s day. The first is a story from Conan O’Brien. At a time when he as going through a career implosion, he was lying on the floor of his living room. The phone range, and it was Robin Williams. Conan wasn’t sure how he even got his number. Robin encouraged him to get outside because it would be healthy for him. Then he did something generous and unexpected: he bought Conan a custom painted bike, and told him that it was waiting for him down at the local bike shop:
And finally, one of my favorite videos of all time. In 2004, a group of performers were paying tribute to George Harrison at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. It’s an all-star lineup, including George’s son Dhani Harrison.
The song plays for a while, and the entire time there is a figure in the shadows off to the right. Then after three minutes, you see a smile come across Dhani’s face and Prince steps into the spotlight. He then plays the most amazing guitar solo — showcasing so many aspects of his genius.
Unlike the other performers on the stage, Prince is constantly looking over at the others playing, smiling and giving knowing looks. He’s truly playing with them. At one point, he bends back into the crowd, one of his security people holding him up as he continues playing. Dhani is smiling with total elation at seeing this. Then, at the end, Prince does something that only he could do: he quickly removes his guitar, throws it high up into the air, turns and walks away.
What happened to the guitar?!?!
It turns out, he had carefully practiced this, and a member of his team was waiting up front to catch it. In some edits of the video, you can see this, in others you can’t. But it looks like magic either way.
Would it have been enough for Prince to have gone up on that stage and played a good guitar solo? Yep. But he went way over the top, and infused every moment with extraordinary joy in his tribute. He didn’t just wait for a special moment to happen, he prepared and orchestrated it with incredible finesse and diligence.
On a practical level, how can you find simple ways to infuse kindness in how you connect with others and are public as a writer? Let me give a really simple prompt as an example: how can you even connect with another writer who publishes in the same genre/topic as you? Some ideas:
Go to the bakery section of the foodstore and have them print a cake with an image of the book cover from an author whose book you are excited about or loved. This can be a brand new book, or it can be a book that came out years ago. Post a photo of it and tag them on social media. Every author wants to see their book cover on a cake.
Spend a week on social media celebrating someone’s book. Again, this doesn’t have to be a brand new book. What author wouldn’t want to see a reader celebrating their book two years after release date?
Buy 5 copies of someone’s book and give them away. Or create a video of you walking into a big bookstore, and turning that person’s book cover facing out on the shelf.
Send a gratitude email or direct message, telling someone how much their book meant to you.
Share a photo of you with someone’s book that you liked.
If you are thinking, “But Dan, I don’t want to do this for another author, I want readers to do these things for me!” Then I want to encourage you to learn by doing. If you want readers to celebrate your books in these ways, then model that behavior first. It also allows you to learn what it feels like to do these things. Awhile back I wrote a blog post about the 10+ steps it takes to post a book review online.
A lot of writers told me that it really opened their eyes — they had always thought of asking someone to post a book review as this super easy task. But it’s not, it takes 10+ steps to do so. If you want others to post reviews for your books, then get really good at the process yourself, because that will help you help them.
Please let me know in the comments: what is an example of kindness that inspired you and you always remembered?
Thank you for being here with me.
-Dan
Kids of the Week: the artist at work:
Mom of the Week: ready for bed (with her wedding photo above her):
I loved this post. Thank you. I write mysteries, but well into the second book of the series I realized they’re really about kindness. Offering this to a world struggling with so much grief and sadness, both in my stories and at large, has brought me comfort. It’s so satisfying to create a world in which my character manages to be kind in small, everyday ways. After the recent election, I woke in the night and thought, “Now we need more than kindness to one another, we need AUDACIOUS kindness!” The national and international problems feel overwhelming, but audacious kindness toward people and animals I encounter is within my capability. It won’t always be easy, but your post has encouraged me that it matters so very much to try.
When my children's book Natalie and the Nazi Soldiers came out, one of my memoir workshop students was so enamored, she bought a few copies and donated them to her local library. A while later, I heard from an acquaintance that they got my book "at the library." First I was surprised that the library had my book, but then I realized they lived in the same town as my workshop student. It was wonderful to see the ripple effect of that one kindness.