I loved this post. Thank you. I write mysteries, but well into the second book of the series I realized they’re really about kindness. Offering this to a world struggling with so much grief and sadness, both in my stories and at large, has brought me comfort. It’s so satisfying to create a world in which my character manages to be kind in small, everyday ways. After the recent election, I woke in the night and thought, “Now we need more than kindness to one another, we need AUDACIOUS kindness!” The national and international problems feel overwhelming, but audacious kindness toward people and animals I encounter is within my capability. It won’t always be easy, but your post has encouraged me that it matters so very much to try.
When my children's book Natalie and the Nazi Soldiers came out, one of my memoir workshop students was so enamored, she bought a few copies and donated them to her local library. A while later, I heard from an acquaintance that they got my book "at the library." First I was surprised that the library had my book, but then I realized they lived in the same town as my workshop student. It was wonderful to see the ripple effect of that one kindness.
Dan, this is such a timely and valuable article today, considering the cultural climate in the United States. I want to thank you for this. It's refreshing to see more writers and people who work with writers, like you, acknowledge simple steps each of us can take to shift the divisive cultural climate.
I like the "how you show up and how you react" as a beginning.
I've been pondering this topic more lately, as well, wondering how I can use my creative work to spread joy and hope through ordinary, everyday moments in storytelling. Kinda similar to the concept of Humans of New York, only in Indiana. 😊
I admit my surprise when you wrote that maybe common courtesy is "uncool." I've always thought of manners as social graciousness, and it doesn't matter where you live or in what generation. Please and thank you go a long way, especially to diffuse an emotionally intense situation. It adds a texture of softness to what's spoken or requested, I think.
I want to tell you that I think you are one of the finest examples of kindness, Dan, and I see that everything you share is intentional to build bridges and bring people together in their common goal of creativity.
Adding the layer of communicating kindness is so critical, and I'm grateful you are shedding light on how important it is for us to be more considerate in our digital interactions.
And this is why I have been a faithful subscriber of yours for 10 years!
Finally, for those who still hold hope that others will support their work before they support another writer's book, I would simply say that if we view our creative work as a true gift (I'm referencing Lewis Hyde's The Gift again), then the pressure to perform lessens quite a bit. We simply show up and share without expectations of reciprocity.
I honestly think that when I share someone else's work, I am still contributing to the collective creativity into which we all participate.
A kindness: When I turned 50, my aunt called me up and said that she had decided to give me $10 for every year I had lived and that I was to spend that on something "frivolous." "I don't want to hear that you've paid a bill, bought something for (your wife) or the kids. Buy something for yourself that you've always wanted but didn't think you should spend the money."
I bought an evaporator pan for making maple syrup. I've been making syrup to give to relatives and friends for 22 years.
Dan, yesterday my neighbor announced in a neighborhood group email that her horse, Stormy, had died. Our neighborhood is semi-rural, with some folks having acreage, and Stormy's large corral was something my sweetheart Alice and I always passed on our neighborhood walks, for almost 25 years. Stormy was always there, and we always said hello to him, and asked him how it was going. We knew he wasn't well lately, but it was a great blow to hear of his death. So many people in the group (of perhaps 40-45 people) answered my neighbor with their appreciation of Stormy, what he meant for their kids who fed him carrots or apples, and more. Today she and her husband said how much the appreciation meant to them, and how grateful they were. The kindness behind all of the exchanges was deep. Thanks for the good words!
I recently attended a writing retreat (Women's Fiction Writing Association, in Albuquerque- highly recommend for September next year!). I only knew one person who would be attending, and she had not yet arrived when I got there the afternoon before the program started. After eating lunch by myself (happily, reading and enjoying the peace and quiet), I was walking back into the venue when a group seated outside saw my conference badge and called me over to come say hi and sit with them. It turned out to be made up of members of the WFWA's executive board and the speakers at the conference. They literally gave me a seat at the table, included me in their conversation, and showed interest in what I was working on. Their kindness not only put me at ease for the rest of the conference, but actually helped me shift my identity as a writer, to someone who is a welcome participant in a larger conversation.
A quick kindness tip that I practice as often as I can is to return the question when service employees ask, "How are you?" or "How's your day going?" I make sure to actually look at the person while asking them how they are doing, not just dig around in my purse or whatever during the transaction. I don't interrupt their work and chat for an extended period, but that half a second of actually acknowledging the other person *as* a person often seems to surprise them, and usually seems to turn into a brief moment of genuine connection. I believe we both leave the exchange feeling seen and acknowledged.
So much to like here, Dan. I agree the greatest gift we can offer is to see each other. But your reminder of the work involved in the 10-Step review process was my takeaway!
A reader read my recently-published second memoir and reached out with how it impacted her. Her father had also died from alcoholism and she was very moved. I asked her if she would please leave a review. She had no trouble with Goodreads, but struggled to make sense of Amazon.
I took her through the process of scrolling through an Amazon book page — down through the suggested reads, the author bio and finally into the review section. She was successful in leaving an extraordinary review (!), but that wasn't where the magic lay. It was in our back and forth where we discussed my memoir's themes of recovery, pain and spirituality. Where she laid bare her own pain and gratitude.
Art's satisfaction does not lie in commerce or collecting likes — it lies in connection.
One act of kindness that stands out to me among all others: When I was 42 I started searching for people who knew my birth father when he was in high school so I posted a profile on Classmates.com. ( My father died at the age of 25 and no one knew he had a daughter.) One classmate messaged me to visit his place of business because he had a movie clip of my father from High School that he wanted to give to me. I had never seen my father "alive." No one in my family shared anything like that with me, but a complete stranger was kind and generous enough to give me this precious gift. We are still friends 17 years later. p.s. I loved the picture of your son creating and the picture of the flower with the statement "Flowers are culliful and pritty but you have to make them grow.' Yes! Kindness makes people grow, like flowers.
In August I started a weekly Substack newsletter where I cover science fiction books and movies inspired by current events. Since August I spend one to two hours a day on Substack reading and responding to posts. I always try to leave thoughtful positive comments, even on the political blogs. There's tons of frustration right now because of the recent election. Instead of adding to the outrage my comments are thoughtful and never insulting. There are other people that may or may not agree with me. I've always said it's OK to disagree but it's Not OK to be disagreeable. I read a newspaper column years ago written by Jacquelyn Mitchard, "Life is to short to be a jerk!" She was right!
Most of my time online is spent interacting with writers and readers. I focus on positive comments and being supportive. The same types of comments I'd like back on my weekly posts.
Dan, thanks for the constant reminders, guidance, and permission to "do the right thing."
Hi Dan! Thank you SO much for starting my day with a celebration of my personal heroes! This post is a keeper!
I can't even begin to list kindnesses that have made a difference in my life. Each one is a Blessing that I'm grateful for.
I do, however, have a quote from my dear Grandmother about how to behave. I was probably being a brat that day, when she turned to me and said, "Oh dear, oh dear...you don't want to make your Guardian Angel CRY, do you?!" It still rings in my ears, decades later.
Hi Dan, It is amazing what one kind comment can do. There are some weeks where I start feeling bad because I'm not getting any seeming 'action' on my weekly Substack post, and then, one person writes something as simple as "Thank you for that. It meant so much to me." And that makes it all worth it. I always try to do the same for others as well. Simple... so simple.
It's interesting that you should mention use of names, Dan. I agree with the importance of using a person's name. When I taught teen moms, one of the most important decisions they'd make all year was choosing a name for their child. Some were wild, some were ordinary, and some had deep meaning for the mom. I was diligent in learning their children's names and using them. This often meant the student had to write a name down for me to master. I'm a visual learner, and I often don't remember a name if I haven't seen it written. It was important to me to not only use students' names, but also their children's. Since the children were in childcare in another wing, I often saw them with their moms in the cafeteria or coming or going from school. Using their names was a sign of respect.
As far as a kind gestures, one that sticks in my mind was about five years ago. I was new to a women's group and shy about attending a meeting where I really didn't know anyone. I'm usually very nervous in those situations. I arrived just before the program started (a deliberate tactic to avoid feeling like I stood out) and sat near the speaker. Shortly after I arrived, a woman took the last open seat next to me and turned to introduce herself to me and welcome me to the group. She knew everyone well but took the time to greet me and show me kindness. She's still a good friend and one of the kindest people I know.
I loved all of these ideas, Dan, and thank you for the reminders and your expanded comments. I especially love that video clip of Taylor Swift reminding her security detail to use the word "please." I agree with you that she is aware of what the moment means to her fans and of being human and kind in the face of such constant pressure to be accessible to her huge and adoring public. Thank you for being you, and helping me learn that marketing is about the message and my mission, not about the transaction. Oh, and thanks for the shoutout for my haiku/comment notes too! Blessings.
Fabulous advice. Also, a smile goes a long way. During college, I worked in an information desk at a mall. It was a little round desk in the middle of a shopping mall, right where all four of the wings of the mall met in the center. Very busy place. That was where I learned a smile can alleviate stress. Smiling at the people who walked up needing help was a nonverbal way to provide comfort. 😀 It wouldn't fix problems but it made them easier to talk about.
I loved this post. Thank you. I write mysteries, but well into the second book of the series I realized they’re really about kindness. Offering this to a world struggling with so much grief and sadness, both in my stories and at large, has brought me comfort. It’s so satisfying to create a world in which my character manages to be kind in small, everyday ways. After the recent election, I woke in the night and thought, “Now we need more than kindness to one another, we need AUDACIOUS kindness!” The national and international problems feel overwhelming, but audacious kindness toward people and animals I encounter is within my capability. It won’t always be easy, but your post has encouraged me that it matters so very much to try.
Thanks Lynda!
When my children's book Natalie and the Nazi Soldiers came out, one of my memoir workshop students was so enamored, she bought a few copies and donated them to her local library. A while later, I heard from an acquaintance that they got my book "at the library." First I was surprised that the library had my book, but then I realized they lived in the same town as my workshop student. It was wonderful to see the ripple effect of that one kindness.
Nice! Thanks Annette.
Dan, this is such a timely and valuable article today, considering the cultural climate in the United States. I want to thank you for this. It's refreshing to see more writers and people who work with writers, like you, acknowledge simple steps each of us can take to shift the divisive cultural climate.
I like the "how you show up and how you react" as a beginning.
I've been pondering this topic more lately, as well, wondering how I can use my creative work to spread joy and hope through ordinary, everyday moments in storytelling. Kinda similar to the concept of Humans of New York, only in Indiana. 😊
I admit my surprise when you wrote that maybe common courtesy is "uncool." I've always thought of manners as social graciousness, and it doesn't matter where you live or in what generation. Please and thank you go a long way, especially to diffuse an emotionally intense situation. It adds a texture of softness to what's spoken or requested, I think.
I want to tell you that I think you are one of the finest examples of kindness, Dan, and I see that everything you share is intentional to build bridges and bring people together in their common goal of creativity.
Adding the layer of communicating kindness is so critical, and I'm grateful you are shedding light on how important it is for us to be more considerate in our digital interactions.
And this is why I have been a faithful subscriber of yours for 10 years!
Finally, for those who still hold hope that others will support their work before they support another writer's book, I would simply say that if we view our creative work as a true gift (I'm referencing Lewis Hyde's The Gift again), then the pressure to perform lessens quite a bit. We simply show up and share without expectations of reciprocity.
I honestly think that when I share someone else's work, I am still contributing to the collective creativity into which we all participate.
Wow -- thank you for the very kind words Jeannie!!!
A kindness: When I turned 50, my aunt called me up and said that she had decided to give me $10 for every year I had lived and that I was to spend that on something "frivolous." "I don't want to hear that you've paid a bill, bought something for (your wife) or the kids. Buy something for yourself that you've always wanted but didn't think you should spend the money."
I bought an evaporator pan for making maple syrup. I've been making syrup to give to relatives and friends for 22 years.
Nice! Thank you Geoffrey.
Dan, yesterday my neighbor announced in a neighborhood group email that her horse, Stormy, had died. Our neighborhood is semi-rural, with some folks having acreage, and Stormy's large corral was something my sweetheart Alice and I always passed on our neighborhood walks, for almost 25 years. Stormy was always there, and we always said hello to him, and asked him how it was going. We knew he wasn't well lately, but it was a great blow to hear of his death. So many people in the group (of perhaps 40-45 people) answered my neighbor with their appreciation of Stormy, what he meant for their kids who fed him carrots or apples, and more. Today she and her husband said how much the appreciation meant to them, and how grateful they were. The kindness behind all of the exchanges was deep. Thanks for the good words!
Oh, thank you for sharing that Tom! Amazing how Stormy really brought the neighborhood together.
I recently attended a writing retreat (Women's Fiction Writing Association, in Albuquerque- highly recommend for September next year!). I only knew one person who would be attending, and she had not yet arrived when I got there the afternoon before the program started. After eating lunch by myself (happily, reading and enjoying the peace and quiet), I was walking back into the venue when a group seated outside saw my conference badge and called me over to come say hi and sit with them. It turned out to be made up of members of the WFWA's executive board and the speakers at the conference. They literally gave me a seat at the table, included me in their conversation, and showed interest in what I was working on. Their kindness not only put me at ease for the rest of the conference, but actually helped me shift my identity as a writer, to someone who is a welcome participant in a larger conversation.
A quick kindness tip that I practice as often as I can is to return the question when service employees ask, "How are you?" or "How's your day going?" I make sure to actually look at the person while asking them how they are doing, not just dig around in my purse or whatever during the transaction. I don't interrupt their work and chat for an extended period, but that half a second of actually acknowledging the other person *as* a person often seems to surprise them, and usually seems to turn into a brief moment of genuine connection. I believe we both leave the exchange feeling seen and acknowledged.
Wow, this is huge: "actually helped me shift my identity as a writer." Thank you for sharing all of this Heather!
So much to like here, Dan. I agree the greatest gift we can offer is to see each other. But your reminder of the work involved in the 10-Step review process was my takeaway!
A reader read my recently-published second memoir and reached out with how it impacted her. Her father had also died from alcoholism and she was very moved. I asked her if she would please leave a review. She had no trouble with Goodreads, but struggled to make sense of Amazon.
I took her through the process of scrolling through an Amazon book page — down through the suggested reads, the author bio and finally into the review section. She was successful in leaving an extraordinary review (!), but that wasn't where the magic lay. It was in our back and forth where we discussed my memoir's themes of recovery, pain and spirituality. Where she laid bare her own pain and gratitude.
Art's satisfaction does not lie in commerce or collecting likes — it lies in connection.
Wow -- love that!!! Thank you so much Henriette!
One act of kindness that stands out to me among all others: When I was 42 I started searching for people who knew my birth father when he was in high school so I posted a profile on Classmates.com. ( My father died at the age of 25 and no one knew he had a daughter.) One classmate messaged me to visit his place of business because he had a movie clip of my father from High School that he wanted to give to me. I had never seen my father "alive." No one in my family shared anything like that with me, but a complete stranger was kind and generous enough to give me this precious gift. We are still friends 17 years later. p.s. I loved the picture of your son creating and the picture of the flower with the statement "Flowers are culliful and pritty but you have to make them grow.' Yes! Kindness makes people grow, like flowers.
Wow!!! Thank you Doreen.
In August I started a weekly Substack newsletter where I cover science fiction books and movies inspired by current events. Since August I spend one to two hours a day on Substack reading and responding to posts. I always try to leave thoughtful positive comments, even on the political blogs. There's tons of frustration right now because of the recent election. Instead of adding to the outrage my comments are thoughtful and never insulting. There are other people that may or may not agree with me. I've always said it's OK to disagree but it's Not OK to be disagreeable. I read a newspaper column years ago written by Jacquelyn Mitchard, "Life is to short to be a jerk!" She was right!
Most of my time online is spent interacting with writers and readers. I focus on positive comments and being supportive. The same types of comments I'd like back on my weekly posts.
Dan, thanks for the constant reminders, guidance, and permission to "do the right thing."
Thank you Bruce!
Hi Dan! Thank you SO much for starting my day with a celebration of my personal heroes! This post is a keeper!
I can't even begin to list kindnesses that have made a difference in my life. Each one is a Blessing that I'm grateful for.
I do, however, have a quote from my dear Grandmother about how to behave. I was probably being a brat that day, when she turned to me and said, "Oh dear, oh dear...you don't want to make your Guardian Angel CRY, do you?!" It still rings in my ears, decades later.
Thanks for making my day Dan!
Thank you Lori!
Hi Dan, It is amazing what one kind comment can do. There are some weeks where I start feeling bad because I'm not getting any seeming 'action' on my weekly Substack post, and then, one person writes something as simple as "Thank you for that. It meant so much to me." And that makes it all worth it. I always try to do the same for others as well. Simple... so simple.
Nice! Thanks Raymond.
It's interesting that you should mention use of names, Dan. I agree with the importance of using a person's name. When I taught teen moms, one of the most important decisions they'd make all year was choosing a name for their child. Some were wild, some were ordinary, and some had deep meaning for the mom. I was diligent in learning their children's names and using them. This often meant the student had to write a name down for me to master. I'm a visual learner, and I often don't remember a name if I haven't seen it written. It was important to me to not only use students' names, but also their children's. Since the children were in childcare in another wing, I often saw them with their moms in the cafeteria or coming or going from school. Using their names was a sign of respect.
As far as a kind gestures, one that sticks in my mind was about five years ago. I was new to a women's group and shy about attending a meeting where I really didn't know anyone. I'm usually very nervous in those situations. I arrived just before the program started (a deliberate tactic to avoid feeling like I stood out) and sat near the speaker. Shortly after I arrived, a woman took the last open seat next to me and turned to introduce herself to me and welcome me to the group. She knew everyone well but took the time to greet me and show me kindness. She's still a good friend and one of the kindest people I know.
Thank you for sharing this Janice!
I loved all of these ideas, Dan, and thank you for the reminders and your expanded comments. I especially love that video clip of Taylor Swift reminding her security detail to use the word "please." I agree with you that she is aware of what the moment means to her fans and of being human and kind in the face of such constant pressure to be accessible to her huge and adoring public. Thank you for being you, and helping me learn that marketing is about the message and my mission, not about the transaction. Oh, and thanks for the shoutout for my haiku/comment notes too! Blessings.
Thank you Susan!!!
Fabulous advice. Also, a smile goes a long way. During college, I worked in an information desk at a mall. It was a little round desk in the middle of a shopping mall, right where all four of the wings of the mall met in the center. Very busy place. That was where I learned a smile can alleviate stress. Smiling at the people who walked up needing help was a nonverbal way to provide comfort. 😀 It wouldn't fix problems but it made them easier to talk about.
Love that! Thank you T.K.
I love this, Dan!
Thank you Karna!
This was interesting. I like the examples you gave. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Amber!
You’re welcome Dan!