Loved this, Dan. Of course, I noticed the daffodils in the garden (being an avid gardener and now living in Florida) -- I said, what???
I think you said this very well. Maya Angelou's famous quote rings in my ears: "I've learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
Thank you for sharing. When people show they care, it means everything. This took me back to when I was in my 20s, I was feeling cynical about the world and I wondered if there were really good people in the world. My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and our world was turned upside down. He was too young and life was unfair. One night a few ladies from my parent's showed up. They brought us a full dinner!! We were all too exhausted to eat after spending the day at the hospital with my dad. We felt bad they brought a meal when our dad was in the hospital. They said. No,this is for you. We were helping my mom and all too exhausted to eat. Having this 7 course meal, was a godsend as they were. I realized then, there were still good people in the world, and we saw that during my dad's illness. They were put in our path. I vowed that day to pay it forward every chance I got
I love your personal posts. The way you integrate your professional worldview into your everyday life gives me a glimpse of what it's like to have a creative mind.
I do that with my writing, too: I can't experience my life without that creative lens.
I'll say that I think caring/Empathy is something many of us have to learn, a skill. To others, it's innate. Because I have a counseling background, I have honed that intrinsic attribute by learning better listening and conversational skills.
This week, I saw four close friends, which never happens. The first vented about her family struggles, and I listened. I asked clarifying questions. The second told me, "Maybe I need a therapist, but I feel like our conversation was therapy for me today." The third and fourth were mutually beneficial, in which I received care and validation regarding my creative work (which I did not expect).
So, when I sit down to write, I imagine I'm speaking to someone I know well. Sometimes it's like I'm writing for that one person. Other times, it's a few people. But my hope is that my words become a balm to others who are feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated, or aggrieved.
Care can have that ripple effect, I think. I hope each of us, like you, can bring more of that kindness into the world.
Mary Beth, as I sit down to shape an essay based on a general topic, like loneliness or grief or struggling with your identity or ambivalence about being a parent, etc., I imagine I am speaking to a specific person I know. As in, I'm telling them the story directly. When I do this, I try to consider what would be helpful for that person to understand, so I insert a particular insight or piece of encouragement that I believe would buoy that person.
I would say over 75% of the time, what I write is spawned by a conversation I have with all sorts of people: my kids, my husband, my parents, friends, neighbors, other writers. The dynamic interaction of thoughts and ideas going back and forth and being molded into an overarching theme tends to get me thinking more deeply on a subject that matters to me and to this other person. That's what inspires my writing most of the time.
Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful post, Dan. The way you described the care shown by the nursing home staff truly touched me. It's amazing how small moments can make such a big difference.
I feel all of your deeply-felt feels. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sentiments on caring. I'm new to Substack, but decades in on corporate communications and marketing. Caring was never at the center of my work in corporate America. I feel it's at the heart of this space.
Thank you for this post, it really resonated. My brother has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has a teen son and his wife is disabled. I feel desperate to help them in any way I can. He is my only sibling and our parents are deceased. I am scared for what is to come in this year. I am full of anticipatory grief. Yet the beautiful part is that for the first time, I'm letting my adult daughters, husband and friends care for me in this hard time. I don't like to lean on others, I've always feared being a burden, of being "Debbie Downer." Yet what I am learning is that by allowing others to hold me up in my weakness, by being vulnerable, I am allowing myself to be fully loved. By exposing myself completely, not being the strong one, the love between my family and friends is deepening. I feel it is a gift to both myself and those who care about me. We have so much to gain when we care for others and allow them to care for us.
Such a personal post, Dan, and so wonderful pics of you and your family. Looking awesome for that date 🥰, by the way. Thanks for sharing.
Caring is feeling, from my point of view, and we need so much more of that. I would love for humanity to focus much more on emotional intelligence than the artificial one. Caring goes a long way.
All your posts are great, Dan. This one, however, hit some especially important notes—ones I hadn't thought of. The analogy of letting someone into your home to do work was so, so powerful. I immediately thought of Tana French. (Stay with me here.) I took my young granddaughter into a Barnes & Noble a couple of weeks back. As I passed a table up front, I saw that Tana French had a new book out. She's been into our home since her first book and I trust her to always deliver a great story. Without a second thought, I picked up the book and we continued on our way to the children's section. A hardcover at B&N is a big ask: $35. But I didn't think twice.
Having worked in a Nursing and Rehab facility, the open and caring orientation is fairly common as talk. Espoused theory, if you want terms. But the walk, the theories in action, as detected in the feelings of staff whispered over the med cart or in the You Never Really Get a Break-Room always got to me.
Lucky that you live nearby and can easily visit, darting from your cool quarters at home.
Best wishes for a smooth transition for everybody.
It's so easy to get mired in the volume of disingenuousness on modern social media. It's always nice to come across a reminder like this.
Personally, I've had some amazing experiences from folks who volunteer at some of the endurance races I've done. They are there for their love of sport, and of caring for people. I've been in dire straits a few times and have been brought to tears by the attention and support I've been given.
Another beautiful piece. “You can feel when someone cares.” I’ve been dealing with chronic health since my autoimmune encephalitis diagnosis. When someone learns of my story and pauses to ask me how I’m really doing or wants to read my book to understand what I went through, I know they truly care.
I hope your Mom’s adjustment keeps going well. That’s a big change for the person entering the facility and her family.
Congratulations on finding a great nursing home near you! But I want to comment about the photo of the man installing your central A/C. It's just a wonderful photograph, graphically beautiful! It also feels strangely symbolic: the square hole; the man's shadow on the ceiling; the man in silhouette. Is he opening the hole to creativity or the unconcious or closing it to protect us from what lies whithin? And what does the shadow want from all this?
Thank you for the kind words and the deep reflections on the A/C installation! Fun to look at the photo from those angles. Hope you have a great day Catherine.
Dan, I wish you the best in dealing with your mother and I certainly hope the new place cares for her as best as possible. There’s no easy way to care for aging parents or other relatives. I did that with both of my folks and, as an only child, it was especially difficult. Before your mother passes, I recommend sitting her down in front of a video camera (or cell phone) and have her recount as much of her life as she can. I did that with my parents and learned some interesting things. People often lead more fascinating lives and/or have some extraordinary adventures than even they realize – despite not being famous.
And of course, thank you for carrying on this blog! I still look forward to your Friday posts.
Thank you! Yes, I have years worth of interviews with both my parents, I started doing that 10+ years ago. I appreciate you recommending that. Hope you are having a great weekend.
Thank you for this post. I love how you write that caring is a compromise and you write the truth when you say: “It’s easy to try to simplify this, and say that caring is limitless and unconditional. But in many situations there is a limit to the sacrifice one can make. That is a part of care — it often has reasonable limits.” I can’t think of how many time I have felt selfish for wanting to set limits, but in reality I am actually caring. ♥️
Loved this, Dan. Of course, I noticed the daffodils in the garden (being an avid gardener and now living in Florida) -- I said, what???
I think you said this very well. Maya Angelou's famous quote rings in my ears: "I've learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel."
Yes! Thank you Sharon.
Thank you for sharing. When people show they care, it means everything. This took me back to when I was in my 20s, I was feeling cynical about the world and I wondered if there were really good people in the world. My dad was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and our world was turned upside down. He was too young and life was unfair. One night a few ladies from my parent's showed up. They brought us a full dinner!! We were all too exhausted to eat after spending the day at the hospital with my dad. We felt bad they brought a meal when our dad was in the hospital. They said. No,this is for you. We were helping my mom and all too exhausted to eat. Having this 7 course meal, was a godsend as they were. I realized then, there were still good people in the world, and we saw that during my dad's illness. They were put in our path. I vowed that day to pay it forward every chance I got
My goodness, what a touching story. Thank you for the kind words, and for sharing this Jane.
Hi Dan,
I love your personal posts. The way you integrate your professional worldview into your everyday life gives me a glimpse of what it's like to have a creative mind.
I do that with my writing, too: I can't experience my life without that creative lens.
I'll say that I think caring/Empathy is something many of us have to learn, a skill. To others, it's innate. Because I have a counseling background, I have honed that intrinsic attribute by learning better listening and conversational skills.
This week, I saw four close friends, which never happens. The first vented about her family struggles, and I listened. I asked clarifying questions. The second told me, "Maybe I need a therapist, but I feel like our conversation was therapy for me today." The third and fourth were mutually beneficial, in which I received care and validation regarding my creative work (which I did not expect).
So, when I sit down to write, I imagine I'm speaking to someone I know well. Sometimes it's like I'm writing for that one person. Other times, it's a few people. But my hope is that my words become a balm to others who are feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated, or aggrieved.
Care can have that ripple effect, I think. I hope each of us, like you, can bring more of that kindness into the world.
Yes! Thank you for sharing all of this Jeannie. Hope you have a wonderful day.
Tell more about your imagining writing to one particular person. <3
Mary Beth, as I sit down to shape an essay based on a general topic, like loneliness or grief or struggling with your identity or ambivalence about being a parent, etc., I imagine I am speaking to a specific person I know. As in, I'm telling them the story directly. When I do this, I try to consider what would be helpful for that person to understand, so I insert a particular insight or piece of encouragement that I believe would buoy that person.
I would say over 75% of the time, what I write is spawned by a conversation I have with all sorts of people: my kids, my husband, my parents, friends, neighbors, other writers. The dynamic interaction of thoughts and ideas going back and forth and being molded into an overarching theme tends to get me thinking more deeply on a subject that matters to me and to this other person. That's what inspires my writing most of the time.
Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful post, Dan. The way you described the care shown by the nursing home staff truly touched me. It's amazing how small moments can make such a big difference.
Yes! Thank you Falak.
I feel all of your deeply-felt feels. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sentiments on caring. I'm new to Substack, but decades in on corporate communications and marketing. Caring was never at the center of my work in corporate America. I feel it's at the heart of this space.
Also, I want to see Moulin Rouge!
Awe, thank you Sheila! I worked in Corporation Communications for years!
My condolences. ;) There's so much space and grace for us creatives beyond those political, micromanaged walls.
Ha! Thanks Sheila.
Thank you for this post, it really resonated. My brother has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He has a teen son and his wife is disabled. I feel desperate to help them in any way I can. He is my only sibling and our parents are deceased. I am scared for what is to come in this year. I am full of anticipatory grief. Yet the beautiful part is that for the first time, I'm letting my adult daughters, husband and friends care for me in this hard time. I don't like to lean on others, I've always feared being a burden, of being "Debbie Downer." Yet what I am learning is that by allowing others to hold me up in my weakness, by being vulnerable, I am allowing myself to be fully loved. By exposing myself completely, not being the strong one, the love between my family and friends is deepening. I feel it is a gift to both myself and those who care about me. We have so much to gain when we care for others and allow them to care for us.
So much wisdom in here, thank you Tracy. Sorry to hear what your brother and his family are going through.
I lost my older brother several years ago and it’s just me and Mom and Mom has dementia. I feel what you’re going through. ❤️
Thanks, Phyllis. My father had dementia, it is a cruel disease. I wish you the best during this hard season.
Thank you, same to you.
Such a personal post, Dan, and so wonderful pics of you and your family. Looking awesome for that date 🥰, by the way. Thanks for sharing.
Caring is feeling, from my point of view, and we need so much more of that. I would love for humanity to focus much more on emotional intelligence than the artificial one. Caring goes a long way.
Awe, thank you for the kind words and reflections Daniela!
All your posts are great, Dan. This one, however, hit some especially important notes—ones I hadn't thought of. The analogy of letting someone into your home to do work was so, so powerful. I immediately thought of Tana French. (Stay with me here.) I took my young granddaughter into a Barnes & Noble a couple of weeks back. As I passed a table up front, I saw that Tana French had a new book out. She's been into our home since her first book and I trust her to always deliver a great story. Without a second thought, I picked up the book and we continued on our way to the children's section. A hardcover at B&N is a big ask: $35. But I didn't think twice.
Love that! Thank you John!
Thanks for all that you write Dan.
Having worked in a Nursing and Rehab facility, the open and caring orientation is fairly common as talk. Espoused theory, if you want terms. But the walk, the theories in action, as detected in the feelings of staff whispered over the med cart or in the You Never Really Get a Break-Room always got to me.
Lucky that you live nearby and can easily visit, darting from your cool quarters at home.
Best wishes for a smooth transition for everybody.
Thank you for sharing this and for the kind words! Yes, it's been amazing to just pop over to see her.
Great personal touch - very refreshing.
It's so easy to get mired in the volume of disingenuousness on modern social media. It's always nice to come across a reminder like this.
Personally, I've had some amazing experiences from folks who volunteer at some of the endurance races I've done. They are there for their love of sport, and of caring for people. I've been in dire straits a few times and have been brought to tears by the attention and support I've been given.
Thank you for sharing.
Wow, incredible to hear that. Thank you John!
Another beautiful piece. “You can feel when someone cares.” I’ve been dealing with chronic health since my autoimmune encephalitis diagnosis. When someone learns of my story and pauses to ask me how I’m really doing or wants to read my book to understand what I went through, I know they truly care.
I hope your Mom’s adjustment keeps going well. That’s a big change for the person entering the facility and her family.
Thank you for the kind words Jackie, and for sharing about your own experiences!
Congratulations on finding a great nursing home near you! But I want to comment about the photo of the man installing your central A/C. It's just a wonderful photograph, graphically beautiful! It also feels strangely symbolic: the square hole; the man's shadow on the ceiling; the man in silhouette. Is he opening the hole to creativity or the unconcious or closing it to protect us from what lies whithin? And what does the shadow want from all this?
Thank you for the kind words and the deep reflections on the A/C installation! Fun to look at the photo from those angles. Hope you have a great day Catherine.
I love this piece Dan. I feel caring as I read. So pleased you have great care for your Mum. So many don’t.
Thank you Robyn!
Dan, I wish you the best in dealing with your mother and I certainly hope the new place cares for her as best as possible. There’s no easy way to care for aging parents or other relatives. I did that with both of my folks and, as an only child, it was especially difficult. Before your mother passes, I recommend sitting her down in front of a video camera (or cell phone) and have her recount as much of her life as she can. I did that with my parents and learned some interesting things. People often lead more fascinating lives and/or have some extraordinary adventures than even they realize – despite not being famous.
And of course, thank you for carrying on this blog! I still look forward to your Friday posts.
Thank you! Yes, I have years worth of interviews with both my parents, I started doing that 10+ years ago. I appreciate you recommending that. Hope you are having a great weekend.
Thank you for this post. I love how you write that caring is a compromise and you write the truth when you say: “It’s easy to try to simplify this, and say that caring is limitless and unconditional. But in many situations there is a limit to the sacrifice one can make. That is a part of care — it often has reasonable limits.” I can’t think of how many time I have felt selfish for wanting to set limits, but in reality I am actually caring. ♥️
Awe, thank you Ann!
Thank you, Dan! These posts remind me why I am on Substack.
Awe, thanks Priya!